Networking Redefined: Part Two

Over sixty years ago Dale Carnegie espoused fundamental principles of how to connect with other people in positive ways. Do you believe it’s true that every person has a deep desire to be appreciated and recognized for who they are and what they do well?

If you do, then the most important thing to remember when meeting someone is to take an interest in who they are and what they are trying to achieve. Dale Carnegie taught this in his book and training programs “How To Win Friends and Influence People“.

When we are in a career transition or trying to climb the ladder,we tend to get tangled up in our ego. We    become narcissistic. Everything is about us.  If we can train ourselves to get out of this mode and open our  hearts to others, we will make new connections more easily. Helping someone accomplish his/her goals or  fulfill his/her needs helps build loyalty. What could be more important to any relationship than loyalty?

I find that many clients, when in the grip of desperation (we all know that feeling), take a very short view on relationships. Again falling into the trap of narcissism, they focus on what the person in front of them can do for them right now. Mistake.

Relationships take time. It’s okay to start slowly. It’s a positive move to begin the relationship helping her/him instead of yourself. In fact, you may feel better about you in the meantime. Be interested, ask questions and listen, listen, listen. Really try to help. Follow up. Better yet, take action immediately to put that person in touch with another person or get helpful information. Send them an article or a book or a suggestion.

Let’s not forget Dale Carnegie’s key message. Everyone wants to feel important. Next time you meet a new person or reconnect with someone from the past, focus on making him/her feel important. The caveat in this is that it MUST be sincere. The worst thing you can do is patronize.

Give it time, and if  you approach all of  your relationships this way, I guarantee you will see a change in your career for the better.

If you click this link, you will go to the Dale Carnegie Training site where they are offering a free PDF download of Dale Carnegie’s Secrets to Success.  It’s great. There is nothing earth shattering in it; it’s simple, clear and easy to read. (I would venture to guess that we all need more simplicity in our lives) I’m sure that you will feel that it also rings true.

Dale Carnegie was ahead of his time. Let’s invite his spirit back into our lives – he has a lot of wisdom to share.

For some reason, we all need to hear this stuff over and over to get it through our heads and more importantly, to put it into practice.

Good night, and keep the faith.

Networking Redefined: Part One

Do you ever get tired of hearing the word ‘networking’?

There is no question that networking continues to be the most important skill in today’s world, as long its definition is building reciprocal relationships.

Yet maybe it’s time to look at it in new ways.

We’ve all proselytized about the necessities of networking in order to make a successful career transition or earn career success. And for sure this is true. I do believe that networking is the way.

I wish we could come up with another word without some of the inherent negative implications. Any ideas?

I’d like to throw out a couple of simple thoughts about networking. Please share your comments so I can hear your take. By all means share new ideas too.

• THERE ARE ALTERNATIVES TO “WORKING A ROOM”.

The phrase itself implies manipulation, it’s no wonder some people are turned off by it. You can indeed attend a conference and make it worthwhile without introducing yourself to every person in the room or being the outspoken conversationalist during lunch.

How?

Listen to what the speakers are saying and take notes on interesting points. The speakers will most likely have people waiting to talk with them afterwards and it might be hard to push your way in. Don’t beat yourself up even if you had hoped to introduce yourself.

Contact the speaker afterwards and say you heard them at the conference but didn’t get a chance to talk with them and you are wondering about something she/he said that intrigued you.

Do the same with people eating lunch at your table. Attendees will often get up to ask a question of keynote and other speakers. Savvy people will introduce themselves prior to asking their question. Take note of their name and company and what they ask.

Follow up with them a day or two after the conference. Mention something about their question and invite them to talk more about it over coffee. Better yet, suggest that you might be able to help (if that’s true).

• YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE PREPARED WITH THE PERFECT STATEMENT TO APPROACH A STRANGER.

Most of you probably know Keith Ferrazzi. I highly recommend his book “Never Eat Alone”. Keith brings up several insightful points that I rarely see mentioned in other networking books. Here are a few of his words of wisdom.

* There’s one guaranteed way to stand out in the professional world: Be yourself.

* Too many of us believe that ‘breaking the ice’ means coming up with a brilliant or witty remark. The best icebreaker is a few words from the heart.

The key here is to stop worrying about saying the ‘right’ thing, take a risk and allow a piece of your humanity to show. If you can make a connection in this way, it could be the beginning of a relationship.

This is one of many blogs to come with a different twist on networking.

How have you approached networking that might be of value to others?

Work Stress: The Elephant in the Room

As the New Year begins, I am hoping for a renewed emphasis on addressing work-related stress.

In this post, I both applaud and raise questions about how organizations are taking steps to reduce stress and the negative impact it is having on American workers and their families.

I admire the work that the Center for Work Life Policy does.  Sylvia Ann Hewlett is an economist and the founding president of the Center for Work-Life Policy, a nonprofit think tank, where she leads the “Hidden Brain Drain” Task Force.

In a recent online article she wrote for Forbes.com, Sylvia mentions that the pressures of the recession are having a measurable effect on the physical health and mental well being of many workers.

I don’t think this is shocking news to anyone; but it is important to keep talking about it. Work related stress is a problem of epidemic proportions.

Although Sylvia tends to focus on data that comes from vice presidents and managing directors (what she calls the “Cream of the Crop”), I believe that these stress-related trends impact all workers.

After all, workers at every level are getting hit with pressure to do more with less and to work so many hours that their personal lives are imposed upon. I hear this from my clients every day and my clients represent a broad range of people from executives to project managers to technical writers to health care workers.

The Forbes.com article gives examples of the how stress is not only causing illness, but likely causing negative dynamics within families,

…as they [workers] deal with brutal hours in tension-filled offices, many high performers can’t prevent the strains at work from spilling over into their home lives causing ill temper and spawning squabbles.

Sylvia mentions what some smart companies are doing to try to break the vicious cycle of stress. Indeed, these ideas are not earth shattering, yet they are worth repeating.

One interesting example came from an EVP & Corporate Comptroller at American Express (AXP). Her name is Joan.

In the spirit of getting at the real issues, I’d like to challenge a few of the ideas. Read on.

Joan’s AMX group developed a four-part initiative to reduce stress (listed below). I’ve added my take to each. See what you think and let me know your thoughts.

Step One: Everyone had to be on their way home by 6:30 pm

My take: This seems reasonable enough – I like the idea of an expectation that everyone will go home at a reasonable hour. Yet I wonder about those people who have children or family members that need care. Do they have flexibility to leave earlier on some days or work from home sometimes? Is there an unspoken “rule” of staying until 6:30 pm?

Step Two: No emails after 8 pm

My take: At first glance, I applaud this idea. I know too many people (including myself) who work on email until the wee hours of the morning.  But WAIT – 8pm?  Is there an unspoken assumption here that one must be accessible until 8 pm every night?  So I should leave the office by 6:30 p.m. but I also will be on email until 8 p.m. When does the family have dinner? When do I talk with my kids and hug my partner?

Hmmm…just wondering about the unspoken messages here.

Step Three: No email on weekends or vacations.

My take: Sounds good. Vacation time is crucial for rejuvenation and accessing new and creative ideas.

Step Four: When you take vacation or personal time, you have to delegate authority.

My take: Makes sense. Of course this is important, but I also need to have the resources to be able to delegate to.  If my staff is completely stretched like taffy already, my delegating to them may create an unreasonable workload for them to manage. This “delegation” idea is smart on the surface, but it may not be achievable in reality.  Remember, everyone is supposed to go home by 6:30pm and stop emails at 8:00pm too.

And what about those people who don’t have anyone to delegate to? There are plenty of people who manage projects but don’t have a staff. What is the protocol for them? How do they delegate?

—————————————————————

Let’s keep generating good ideas about managing work-related stress. It’s a big step to talk about it and generate new ways of handling the negative consequences.

However, we must also be open to looking at our approach with an open mind.  Are we still perpetuating the vicious cycle with unspoken messages? Are we asking the right questions? Is it “safe” for anyone to raise these issues or is it taboo?  Will the worker who says “this isn’t working” be frowned upon?  How much freedom is given to each employee to determine and live by their own boundaries?

Can we acknowledge the elephants in the room?

After all, if you want great employees to stick around when the economy starts moving forward again, it’s wise to think about this. Otherwise, they will be out the door quicker than you can turn on your blackberry once more jobs are available.

Season of Kindness

Happened to come across a post by Steve Arneson talking about unemployment statistics. It’s scary.

But more importantly, I think we can all use a kick in the pants sometimes to put more energy into helping others (myself included). The irony is, the more we help others, the more it comes back around to us. It truly is better to give than receive. Steve says

Here’s what I want you to do – if you know someone who is looking for a job, call them up – today. Ask them how they’re doing, and what you can do to help. Get the story again on what they’re looking for, and reach out to your network to see if you can spark interest in their resume or maybe even arrange a meeting or interview.

You may not be able to put a dent in the larger unemployment numbers, but you can rededicate yourself to helping those in your own circles. Especially at this time of year, when hiring is light, spend some time with your colleagues who need your help; believe me, they’ll appreciate your call.

Enough said.  Happy Holidays to all and to all a good night.

Making Space for Change

Some things are so simple that we overlook them. In the fifteen years that I have been working with clients who are working towards a Career Transition or Reinvention, one very simple issue comes up over and over again – the need to make space for change.

We tend to assume that if we want to change something, and we learn the tools to make progress, it will just happen. Nope.

Clients put lots of energy into learning techniques of self-marketing, repositioning themselves and gaining expertise in various areas and even forcing themselves to learn how to be comfortable network. It takes a lot of emotional and practical energy to build and polish all the skills necessary to make significant career change – even if the desired goal is another job in a similar role, it’s not easy, especially in the current job market.

Why do clients come to me every week and express frustration because they feel like they are spinning their wheels and not making enough progress to believe they can actually make this happen?

Simple. They don’t make make space for change.

If your days are already filled to 120% capacity of what one human being is capable of doing, what makes you think you can add more? You can’t.

If you work 10 hours per day, eat dinner and take care of the kids (or grandchildren), go to the board meeting, fix the doghouse, work on the budget spreadsheet before you go to bed and get up at 6:00am to start all over again, what makes you think that you can recreate your professional identity, and explore other career opportunities? You can’t.

That is, you CAN, but you must make space for change.

Probably the most important thing you need to do in order for your life to be different is to make space for change. That means you have to make some tough choices about what you are going to STOP doing, so that you can do something different. (make sense?)

What will you say “no” to? What are you willing to postpone? What do you have to communicate to your loved ones to help you make space for change? What will you give up in your life so that new good stuff can come in?

There are many good reasons for realizing that it’s time for change in your life. Dawn Rosenberg McKay lists several good reasons to consider a job change in her blog “Six Reasons To Make a Career Change“. In my opinion, the best test is if your gut keeps nagging you that it’s time.

I propose that the most important gift you will ever give yourself is to make space for change. Not only for career transition, but for just about anything you want your life to become.

Are you willing to make space for change?

Breaking the Spell of Fear

I think about fear a lot.

For years I have been exploring the depths of the human experience and all of the surprises it holds – to me, this is great fun!

Having trained myself to be highly tuned into the process of making decisions based on fear, I try to ‘catch myself’ and change the course of events towards a more positive path.

I have always been intrigued by Buddhism and other far eastern philosophies. I still am.  

But that’s a huge peek inside my personal life. For now, I want to share a couple of thoughts I had about a topic that (I believe) is closely connected to reinventing ourselves and career transition.

On the Tricycle Magazine website, I found an article about fear and how important it is for us to ‘invite fear in’. If  you are familiar with the teachings of Thich Nhat Hahn, you may remember that he reminds us to invite the fear in for tea and welcome it warmly. He says, “Hello my friend, fear. Please come and share tea with me. Let me understand you better. I’m happy to see you”.

Seems ridiculous upon first glance, doesn’t it?

But if you think about it, there could be a very profound message here. When we stop resisting, life usually becomes less of a struggle. When we stop fighting and accept things on a moment to moment basis, our breath calms down and we feel more centered.

You probably see how this can relate to the process of reinventing ourselves and career transition. When reshaping our work identity, it is very common to feel lost, confused, anxious and even angry. I’ve heard many consultants tell their clients that it is very much a roller coaster ride. I have also witnessed clients’ frustration and declarations of “giving up on this because it’s not going anywhere”.

Do you think these feelings and reactions could stem from fear?

Are we worried that we will lose our place in the world as we know it? Are we afraid that we won’t be able to find another identity; to feel needed and be part of a group? Are we afraid that we will whither away into nothingness and be failures in the eyes of our loved ones or colleagues?

Ezra Bayda, the author of the Tricycle article, suggests that

When we can feel fear within the spaciousness of the breath and heart, we may even come to see it more as an adventure than a nightmare. To see it as an adventure means being willing to take the ride with curiosity, even with its inevitable ups and downs.

How great would it be if we could learn to think of the journey of career transition as a great adventure and ride the process with excitement and curiosity?

Our physical health would prosper, no doubt, and I imagine that the people we meet along the way would find us much more interesting as we approach them with excitement and exploration rather than desperation and impatience.

Give it a try. Invite your fear in for tea, and offer it an olive branch.  

On Becoming a Job Search Machine

Redwood trees blow my mind. They are awe-inspiring. I have a particular affinity towards Redwoods, and although I have never stood in their presence, I am certain that doing so will be a spiritual awakening.

In National Geographic’s current issue, there is a fascinating article entitled REDWOODS: The Super Trees,  about the Redwood Forests in California.

In the article, Evan Smith, vice president of forestland for the Conservation Fund says,

Redwoods are what’s known in biology as a very plastic species. [They're] like machines. Once you get [them] going, you can’t stop [them].

This made me think of how difficult the job search process has become in  modern times. (okay, so my mind works in funny ways)

With advances in technology and the social media explosion, one would think that it would be easier to make connections and to land jobs in this day and age. Um, uh, hmm, well no – I’m afraid that’s not the case.

It is indeed counter-intuitive, but on the contrary, job seeker’s must be incredibly diligent and relentless simply to gain an opportunity to have a conversation with a hiring manager. Quite simply, it seems harder now than ever to apply for a job.

Of course, the current economic conditions don’t make the process easier, but even still…applying to a job now is never just a matter of forwarding your resume to a company that has a need for someone like you. You must always combine the tools of networking, online applications and personal branding to make headway. And even then, there is a good chance you will need some luck, too.

So – back to the Redwoods and Evan Smith’s statement.

It seems that career changers and job seekers, just like the Redwoods that have been around for thousands of years, need to become a “plastic species”. Mr. Smith says the trees are like machines – they never stop growing and replenishing themselves.

Job seekers & career changers also need to get positive momentum going and never let it stop. Momentum is the key to keeping your career alive.

Continuously expand your networking. Continue learning and keeping abreast of business and technological changes. This is even more important after you land a job.

Shift your paradigms if necessary – meeting new people can be interesting and fun with the right mindset. Pull back for a short time when you need to, but keep the energy going. Don’t let yourself fizzle.

One word of caution: Don’t become really plastic or really like a machine. Once you take the human element out of the equation, your uniqueness gets lost, you seem insincere and people get turned off.

Without authenticity and differentiation, you will definitely be placed on the endangered species list in the job market.

On a similar note – if you are interested in authenticity in a job search, you may find it interesting to read Cathy Keates’ blog “If I had a Hammer”.

What I like about her is that she is brave enough to introduce a novel idea – that perhaps we need a new approach to job search language; one that omits the idea of  ’selling yourself’ or creating ‘commercials’ about your background.

QUESTION: Do you think her ideas are just about semantics, or do you think she’s hit on a good point here?

Check her out – Cathy Keates, author of Not For Sale! Why We Need a New Job Search Mindset

Heed the Hummingbird

Lately I have been doing a great deal of personal reflection about life, career and the laws of nature. Of course, this is nothing new for me, since my work with clients stems from a longing to understand how we can all live, work, feel connected to something meaningful while honoring our unique stance in the world.

Another reason for this intense reflection is because several friends and colleagues are struggling with the passing or serious illness of a loved one. If you have experienced this type of journey, you might relate to the internal “jolt” that it creates.

I happened upon Cathy Shaughnessy’s prior blog entitled “On Leadership and Hummingbirds” this afternoon. The blog had those wonderful elements of profundity and simplicity that make us stop, listen and maybe for one moment, understand.

It occurred to me… that there is something to be learned from the way things work in nature. I discovered that hummingbirds have a couple of things in common with leaders.

Speed An average hummingbird can move at an incredible speed, flapping its wings between 80 and 200 beats per second and taking 300 to 500 breaths per minute. Amoung the most common challenges faced by the leaders that I work with today is the speed that they need to move to keep up with the pace of the work. It’s nothing short of break-neck.

Cross Pollination Playing a critical role in plant propagation, a hummingbird can pollinate 2000 blossoms each day and cover miles of ground in the process. [Most knowledge workers] …deal instead in the propagation of ideas, concepts, products and business relationships with a reach that spans the globe.

So, how does this tiny bird weighing no more than 10 grams keep on going? Simple. It stops sometimes. It enters a state called ‘torpor’, a period of deep rest in which it conserves about 60 per cent of its energy. It takes a break to just be still.

Cathy makes the analogy of hummingbirds and leaders. May I suggest that all of us are leaders in our own spheres. We must all consciously enter into “torpor” so that we can remember what’s important and feel the infinite potential of each moment.

We are on a very fast-moving train. It’s fun and challenging and exciting – yet we can easily miss the point of it all.

So there you have it. Another reminder to stop, listen and just ‘be’.

The irony of stopping is that it fills us with a sense of energy and calm, so everything we continue doing moves in a more positive direction.

When have you entered into torpor lately?

Toltec Wisdom Applied to Careers

What does personal freedom have to do with career decisions and work satisfaction?

Personal freedom is connected with the human spirit. We can blame everyone and everything for imposing on our personal freedom, but the truth is that we often stop ourselves from being free.

Thousands of years ago, the Toltecs were a people known in Mexico as “women and men of knowledge”. They were masters and students. Toltec knowledge was not a religion but rather, a way of life, and its wisdom can provide valuable insights into modern day job search or career transition.

Several years ago I read a book entitled The Four Agreements http://tinyurl.com/6kx5f9 by Don Miguel Ruiz. I picked it up again recently.

The Four Agreements are very basic yet powerful. See if you might gain some value from thinking about them in relationship to your career journey.

The First Agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Word

Your reputation is everything. Whether you are just beginning to build your career, are a seasoned leader in your prime, or an individual ready to transition out of one career into another, you must speak with integrity. Say only what you mean.

Building trust and developing a reputation of integrity will carry you through difficult times and also be a legacy for those who rise behind you.

If you are in a career transition or job search, your word and how trustworthy and real you are will precede you when you are networking and will follow you into your next endeavor.

Yes – polish your approach and refine your words, but be honest and true. You won’t go wrong.

The Second Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally

This is the toughest agreement for me to abide by. I used to take everything personally. I am finally at a point where I can let things go much of the time, but I still catch myself taking things personally.

The point of this agreement is that nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality.

If someone gives you an opinion that is negative, i.e. ‘You can’t do this job’ – don’t take it personally. Taking things personally sets you up to suffer.

Be gracious and positive, and know that you are a person of quality and integrity, and move on.

To me, this is one of the most difficult of the agreements, yet I think it is vitally important. Think about how confident and centered you would come across to others if you didn’t take things personally and react defensively.

The Third Agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions

We tend to make assumptions about everything, and worse yet, we believe that our assumptions are true. Very dangerous.

Assumptions happen quickly. Our minds trick us.

Say you went on an interview with the CEO of a new start-up and you had a great conversation, had a lot in common and she talked like you already had the job. You left the meeting on a high; you went home and you assumed this deal was moving forward – “This is it,” you say to yourself. “I’m their new Marketing Director”.

Three weeks go by and you don’t hear a word. Now you make a different assumption all of a sudden. You assume the CEO is not considering you and she was just ‘acting’ as if she liked you. Is this true? We don’t know.

Perhaps the CEO is traveling. Perhaps the company is on the brink of a big meeting with a venture capitalist for a huge infusion of money. You don’t know.

Making assumptions is a habit. Just like any other habit, we need to take a different action over and over again to change it. Practice.

One way to avoid making assumptions is to ask questions for clarity.

The Fourth Agreement: Always Do Your Best

This agreement allows the first three to become ingrained.

“Always do your best”- We have heard this before. Simple, right? Well – not always.

How often do you feel guilty because you “should have researched that company more before meeting that networking contact” or you “could have closed that deal if you had remembered the details about that product”…

One thing to keep in mind is that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to another.

Everything in life is constantly changing, so your best will also change over time. Just do your best in any circumstance and don’t judge yourself (that’s the hard part).

The more you practice these agreements, the more centered and clear your life will become. People will be drawn to you and think highly of you.

And I suspect you will be more likely to attract the type of work situations that are a good match for you.

How Power, Kindness & Veggies Can Help Your Career

In a recent Wall Street Journal Article, “How to Fix a Career in the Dumps”, writer Grace L. Williams interviewed Michelle DeAngelis, the author of “Get a Life That Doesn’t Suck”.

Aside from these two provocative titles, Michelle had some interesting and noteworthy things to say. I would recommend taking a look at the article.

What struck me was that she hit on what I believe is a critical career issue that isn’t discussed very often. That is, the issue of personal power.

Grace asks Michelle, “Where do you think people’s power has gone?” Michelle answers;

It has been sucked into the vortex of job insecurity, mergers, upheaval of people at work, reduced income, [and] lost 401(k)s. Where it needs to reside is within each of us internally.

People tend to think their work is their identity. It’s normal and human to do that, but [it's] tying your identity to external circumstances. Anything people can do to maintain an identity that is based on their internal self allows them to keep their power.

Wow. Strong stuff. In my mind, this is right on the money. (no pun intended) Often I wind up spending a lot of time with my clients reshaping how they view themselves and thus how they approach networking and interviewing.

If you have given up your personal power – or just put it in the attic for a while – your career is going to suffer. (More importantly, your life is going to suffer.)

You know who you are.

You go to networking meetings feeling like this person might have the key to your future, so you had better approach them with deference. After all, they’re the ones with the power, right? When nothing profound comes from the conversation, you go home dejected.

If you’re currently working and the CEO leads the organization with less than honorable intentions, you feel trapped but have resigned yourself to this horrible fate because the economy is bad. (You might even have a little pity party for yourself on Friday nights.) In this case I guess it’s the economy that has the power. Or maybe your just bored out of your mind, but because you need the money, you keep up the routine.

Because I think it’s so important, I’m going to repeat one of the lines from Michelle’s interview.

Anything people can do to maintain an identity that is based on their internal self allows them to keep their power.

So what can people do to maintain an identify that is based on their internal self? That’s the big question that wasn’t addressed in the article. (I’m not sure if it’s addressed in her book either)

A few suggestions.

1. LEARN TO MEDITATE. If you have never learned how to meditate, give it a try. I don’t mean sit down once and try to calm down your mind – that won’t do the trick. True meditation takes a long time and dedicated practice. If you are willing to make a long-term commitment, I can almost guarantee that you that your personal power will strengthen from within. [A book you might want to check out is "Hurry Up & Meditate"]

2. LIVE A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. There is nothing more empowering than taking control over your health. I know it’s easy to say but not always easy to do. Start small and build momentum. Eat good food (more local vegetables). Move your body more often. Drink good water. Take time for a healthy lunch even when you are busy.

3. FIND OUT WHAT MAKES YOU GROUNDED. This is different for different people. For many it is a spiritual connection, or getting close to nature or spending quality time with loved ones. As corny as it may sound, feeding your soul matters. Do it.

4. BE KINDER. I have a theory that kindness strengthens our personal power. It aligns us with everything that is good about ourselves. Kindness has a way of sustaining and healing. Feeling sorry for yourself because you didn’t land that job? Get out there and do something to help someone else who is looking.

You may be wondering why I am talking about these types of things in the context of careers. Your inner strength will have a tremendous positive impact on your external life in every way, including your career. People who are grounded and safe within themselves hold great appeal to others.

The truth is, everything really is connected.